Graham's Foundation Blog
When You Lose a Twin or Triplet
For many families, prematurity brings with it loss. In cases
where mothers and fathers must say goodbye to a baby who was a twin or a
triplet, coping with that loss can be a complicated and difficult process. A
life has been lost but there is still life to celebrate. Parents in this unique
situation can feel like they have no time to breathe, much less grieve. Moms,
dads, and siblings may have many questions about what the loss of a multiple
means to the family as a whole.
You are, contrary to what others may tell you, still a
parent of multiples. Whether the baby you lost lived a day or a year, or simply
lived inside of you, you had more than one child. If you would like the people
around you to acknowledge that, they need to respect your wishes. Similarly,
you need to deal with the emotions you're feeling in the way that makes the
most sense for you and your family – and that can mean so many different
things. Below, we've compiled some advice for parents who've lost a twin or
triplet, but understand that you may feel compelled to handle your
circumstances differently and that's okay.
Advice from Bereaved Parents of Multiples:
- Birth and
death certificates, as well as other official documentation, can reflect your
child's status as a part of a multiple birth set. Hospital staff may not
automatically include that information, however. If you want documents to
reflect your view of the circumstances, be sure to make that clear.
- Reach out to
other parents who have lost twins and triplets at birth, in infancy, or later
for support. Your family's situation is relatively rare and while your loved
ones may try their best to understand what you're going through, only someone
who has been in your shoes will truly grasp the complex nature of what you're
feeling. There are also organized groups for parents who have suffered the loss
of a twin or triplet.
- Accept that
you may be resentful of parents whose twins or triplets survived. Even seeing a
double stroller outfitted with two bassinets can awaken these feelings –
sometimes for years after your loss.
- Grieve as
much or as little as you need to in the moment. Parents of babies who have lost
a brother or sister at birth or in early infancy may feel compelled to channel
all of their energy into caring for the surviving babies. Being a parent in the
NICU takes a great deal of stamina and being able to focus on a task or goal
can help some moms and dads deal with grief. Other parents, however, feel a
strong need to take time just to grieve and may temporarily spend less time in
the NICU and more time focusing on the grieving process.
- Let yourself
feel what you're feeling. Don't assume you're terrible because you're feeling
joyful when you spend time with your surviving child instead of grieving – or
conversely, because you're feeling overwhelmed with sadness instead of feeling
grateful for what you have. Children are unique, and you have every right to
both celebrate your living child and mourn for the child you lost.
- Respond to
those who say insensitive things like "At least you still have one
baby." While it's entirely likely that these people are trying to be
comforting, you are also entitled to let them know that what they are saying is
hurtful and disrespectful to both you and your family. You may be at a loss for
words in the moment, but don't be afraid to share your feelings eventually.
- If you want
your loved ones to recognize the child you lost – and not every parent will –
say so. Friends and family may focus on your living child or children to avoid
hurting you, not realizing that they're doing just that by not acknowledging
the missing twin or triplet. To help them get past their discomfort, use your
child's name. Let them know he or she will always be a special part of your
family.
-
Don't worry if
you don't feel compelled to memorialize the baby you lost at once – or simply
don't have the energy necessary to do so. In time, you'll find the way past
your grief and the right way to honor the life of the child who left the world
too soon.
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